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Life Hacks, Personal

An open letter

I’m so tired. My last exam just ended and I’m returning to my province for the semestral break. Nights of almost without sleep is beginning to kick in. But the worst thing of all is that I still feel that whatever I do is never good enough.

Something doesn’t seem right. Am I actually reconsidering my life? Because right now, I feel that something seems to be missing. Don’t get me wrong here. I love programming. I practically grew up with computers. I’ve been toying with them as long as I can remember, even before school. I was eight or nine when I started programming in DOS and BASIC. And ever since then, I knew I love writing programs. That was never a question. (And, no, I’m not planning to shift to another degree program. πŸ˜€ I’ve been toying with the idea of going to an Art School since I was in High School, though. I even have a dream school, ENSAD. It’s in Paris. And I’m planning to apply right after I graduate. Or if I don’t get accepted, plan B is to get my Master’s degree specializing in Information Security. So, I don’t think that’s the problem.)

The point is, my mind doesn’t seem to be in it at all lately. Programming, I mean. No, I’m not falling out of love because I still feel the same way I did when I was eight or nine. I don’t know. I’m so confused right now. Maybe I’m just tired. Sleepless nights finally taking its toll, I feel so weak. Literaly and figuratively. Or maybe its just because there are so much on my mind lately. The finals, homesickness, my (self-diagnosed) insomia, my best friend leaving all of a sudden… I really don’t know. I’ll take some time off. Chill out for the next two weeks and maybe things will seem right again.

Anyway, that wasn’t why I’m posting at all. It’s actually because of this open letter:

To my best friend in the world,

I don’t know where you maybe when you finally get to read this letter. But I hope that you’re finally happy (because that’s the way I want you to be). Actually, I don’t know how to get this letter to you because you rarely open your mails. So, I guess, I’ll just post it here.

I know we rarely spend time together these past few months and I’m really sorry. I was so caught up with everything going on in my life that I forgot to pause for a while. I just felt so bad that I wasn’t able to spend more time with you. Or to be there whenever you needed a friend. I hope you really do come back next year. I just felt so bad that we used to be inseparable and yet now, I couldn’t even get to see you to bid you goodbye personally.

Anyway, enough with being too sentimental. I just want you to know that you’re still my best friend no matter what. And you always will be. And I please, stop thinking about other people for a while and think about youself. You take care there. And please, do what makes you happy not what you think will make others happy. And stop being so hard on yourself. (Am I now beginning to sound like esmie? You know, acting like a mother and everything. πŸ˜€ ) And a word of caution: you can go around there getting as many girls as you want but don’t go and get a new best friend… or else… (I was kidding. Of course you can get other best friend(s), that’ s your choice to make.) And I hope you find yourself a girl there. πŸ˜‰

I hope you’re finally happy that your family is finally complete. I know I’m happy for you. You take care always. And I’m just here whenever you need me, this time, its a promise. (Remember the days when I don’t like to make promises? πŸ˜€ I still don’t. πŸ˜› Atleast I only make the ones I can and will actually keep.)

Thanks a lot. Thanks for taking care of me through these years. And thanks for being one of my greatest “cheerleader” when I feel like I can no longer continue. And for always giving me a reason to smile even at the saddest part of my life. And thanks for always understanding. And thanks for always giving me a shoulder to cry on. I’ll miss you.

Just me,

abbi

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About princess of antiquity

Abbi Cabanding is a member of the Security Bloggers Network and had been blogging on information security since 2006. She is also a member of the Association for Computing Machinery. She studied Computer Science and Fine Arts at the University of the Philippines - Diliman.

Discussion

5 thoughts on “An open letter

  1. Now that’s what I call early exposure. πŸ˜›

    Posted by ardzeii | October 17, 7:53 pm, 7:53 pm
  2. abbi, you just need some fresh new insight on software development – outside of your academics. πŸ˜€

    Posted by rom | October 18, 9:21 pm, 9:21 pm
  3. *Sigh* Siguro nga po. πŸ˜€

    Posted by abbi | October 19, 1:28 pm, 1:28 pm
  4. yung unang part before the open letter iniisip ko tinamaan ka lang ng depression na dala ng pagod sa pag-aaral. Ang magiging payo ko sana ay just try to remember why you love to do what you do now and if needed think of the detailed output of your plans. example you’ll get paid six figures in say this age by this very big well-known corporation.

    Kaya lang…nung nabasa ko yung open letter, naisip ko, in-love lang ata ito. hahaha…huwag mo yang masyado isipin dami pa naman isda sa tubig…or kung hindi talaga kaya isipin nalang na mura naman video chat sa internet. peace!

    Posted by royalflare | November 7, 12:48 am, 12:48 am
  5. Hahaha. Yung relationship namin ng best friend ko, platonic. Masyado lang talaga kaming close. (Nung high school pa tong issue na ‘to ah. Kelan kaya ‘to matitigil?) πŸ˜› And sana nga magtama ang sched namin for video conferencing.

    Napagod lang ako last sem. Pagod, depression and insomnia to be precise. OK na ako ngayon. Rested and ready to face the things ahead. Masyado lang akong madaming iniisip last sem. πŸ˜€ And I won’t deny that thinking about having a good salary in the future appeals to me, but I think mas importante pa rin na maging masaya sa ginagawa ko. πŸ˜€ Sabi nga ng physics prof ko last sem, its not work kung gusto mo ang ginagawa mo. πŸ˜€

    Posted by abbi | November 8, 4:50 pm, 4:50 pm

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